Too Much Information

girl-detective:

“We decided,” Theresa told me, “that we’re all going to be different characters from The Avengers. Nicky is Captain America. I’m Black Widow. Mary is Iron Man.”

“Who is Steve?” Phil asks.

“The Hulk,” I say. “Isn’t it obvious?”

“Well,” somebody begins, “He’s definitely Bruce Banner. But he’s not really The Hulk. He’s not angry.”

“Yes, but isn’t that exactly the point?” I ask. “We wouldn’t like him when he’s angry.”

“I don’t know about angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m annoyed,” Steve says.

“I think you have to be The Hulk, Steve,” Mary tells him.

“Fine, whatever,” Steve replies, which is so totally what Bruce Banner would say.

“Who’s Thor?” Nicky queries.

Theresa looks around.

“Hey, David! You have a beard! Do you want to be Thor?”

“Um…sure.”

David is Thor.

“We just need a Hawkeye now. Who wants to be Hawkeye?”

Silence. Nobody wants to be Hawkeye.

“Phil? Do you want to be Hawkeye?”

“God, no.”

“Phil should be Jarvis,” I point out.

No protest. Even being a disembodied voice is better than being Hawkeye.

“Do you want to be Hawkeye, Rachel?”

I shake my head.

“I’d rather be Loki.”

Nobody wants to be Hawkeye.

Later that evening, the search continues:

“Richard, do you want to be Hawkeye?”

“Not really.”

“Ryan, do you want to be Hawkeye?”

“Fuck no.”

“Beth, do you want to be Hawkeye?”

“Nope.”

Jason, being the resident comic book expert, points out that Hawkeye actually has a plethora of skills that weren’t featured in the movie.

“Hawkeye is a tremendously talented guy!”

“Ok, you can be Hawkeye, then!”

“I don’t want to be Hawkeye! Can’t I be Nick Fury?”

Nobody wants to be Hawkeye.

I think about him again on the plane ride home the next day.

Is he really that bad? I wonder. Maybe we have the poor guy all wrong.

I mean, think about it: Here’s a man who, although very bright, has no actual superpowers. He’s fantastically skilled in archery, but is rendered basically useless once he runs out of arrows. And yet, despite these flaws, whenever The Avengers are summoned from their respective corners of the earth to convene in one place, Hawkeye still gets to hang out with some of the most awesome people in the world—hell, in the universe—and nobody ever doubts that he belongs there.

Hawkeye isn’t a loser—he’s the luckiest bastard on earth.

And I can identify with that, because even though I don’t have super strength, a suit of iron or the ability to summon thunder, I still got to spend the weekend with some of the funniest, most charming people on the internet, and moreover, they seemed happy to have me there.

You guys, I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to be Loki anymore.

I want to be Hawkeye.

I really, really do.

It should be noted that we realized later that Jason should be Captain America and I should be Coulson. 

WE DISCUSS IMPORTANT THINGS IN CANADA.