Too Much Information

Aug 27

Second phone call

Sylvia seemed to call mostly to assure me that though she dropped a speaker on her toe, she’s “totally fine now.”

She was happy as a clam. She was telling me some crazy story of getting ready for going to the county fair tomorrow. I guess there are some sort of chicken races? And they were testing out the chickens? To decide which one to take? I don’t know there were kids talking loudly in the background, but it seemed to involve pushing a chicken out of a mailbox with a plunger?

She said, “Maybe I’ll call again tomorrow, but don’t worry if I don’t. I might just be busy. Like at camp I wrote a lot of letters at first, but then I had so much to do I couldn’t write so much.”

She said she missed us, but she said it so happily. My heart feels like it might burst directly out of my chest.

[video]

[video]

Arrrrmmmmmssssssss

Arrrrmmmmmssssssss

Aug 26

kite-dreams replied to your photoset:Look, a girl has to cheer herself up some way,…
NICKY WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT GRACE IS PREGNANT AND TERRIFIED OF SLOTHS AND I NEED IT LIKE OXYGEN.

IT’S AT A STORE RIGHT BY MY HOUSE. I CAN BUY IT FOR YOU IFFIN YOU WANT ME TO! I CLEARLY WANT TO BUY THIS ONSIE FOR SOMEONE!

[video]

mathcat345 replied to your post:THE FIRST PHONE CALL
Is there a way to send you letters to send to her or fun things to read? I don’t know if that would be weird,

I would be HAPPY to pass on any fun things people want to send her. She loves getting mail. Let me know if you want my address.

ungracefulme replied to your post: ungracefulme replied to your post: Hig…

NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW I USE THE WORD “TOTES”

Oops. I am totes sorry.

ungracefulme replied to your post: Highway to the Sadness Zone

it is TOTES OKAY to be sad about this. why wouldn’t it be?

I think my most recent experience of sadness was so overwhelming and lasted so long that I’m a little gun-shy of letting myself FEEL sad, if that makes sense? Like, yes, an appropriate level of sadness is to be expected, but when I picture myself sad I imagine how I was after Chris died and I get worried that it will look the same, which is, of course, stupid because sending your child to an amazing school where she is happy if homesick is a very different sadness from your brother dying, but LOL EMOTIONS: HOW DO THEY WORK?

THE FIRST PHONE CALL

Sylvia called tonight and I wasn’t expecting it. I actually missed the call at first and then freaked out and called her back, but luckily she still had her phone.

She was calling because she was homesick, but everything she said about school was how much she loves it and how great it is. She was even positive about the small amount of homework she has gotten (and done!). 

She got “micro-economy” (total montessori speak) for her Occupation (which is kind of like their science class and they do it in 2 week blocks). One of the things they are learning is how to write checks (insert some cute face emoji).

She got the top bunk. She’s getting along with her roommates. Her chore this week is snack clean up and her cleaning zone is the studio.

She asked when we were coming to visit and luckily we already have that planned.

Guys. She started crying at the end. It was wonderful and terrible. I’m so glad she’s enjoying it, but I wish I could take away the homesickness. I know she has to work through it. I even remember the girl who gave us our tour the first time saying, “Yeah, sometimes I get homesick, but it’s worth it.” So, I know this is totally normal. But…ugh…hearing her tiny voice saying how much she missed us is hard. Super hard.

Highway to the Sadness Zone

Driving alone is definitely my sadness zone. When my brother died everyone was such a wreck and I didn’t feel like I could really lose it in front of my parents, so every time I ended up in the car by myself, my tears would just start leaking. My mom went into the hospital the day after the funeral and that meant lots of time driving back and forth, and man, did I really cry a lot in the car. 

One of the ways I knew I was pulling out of my grief over my brother was when I could actively be in the car and enjoy the music I was listening to. I was like, “What is this strange feeling I’m having? Oh, it is the absence of the urge to cry. Weird.”

Today, as I drove home to my empty house (Sylvia at boarding school, Aaron going out of town on business), I felt that sadness kind of well up as I started driving. I recognized it right away and sort of moved myself out of that mental place, because lord knows I don’t need to go down that road right now.

Part of me wonders if I just need to get it out. I mean, I think it is ok to be sad that Sylvia isn’t here every day, even if I know she is in the best place she could possibly be. I can be happy for that, but sad for the time we aren’t together. But on the other hand, you know, REPRESSION: THE MUSICAL. 

Aug 24

miscmissmimi said: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE Jensen Ackles is on twitter. I repeat, JENSEN ACKLES IS ON TWITTER!

I love that you are telling me that, but even in these trying times, I was on top of it! (But, seriously, I do love that you told me because if I hadn’t known I would be dead)

[video]

Taking advantage of the hotel’s jacuzzi tub before we head to school.

Taking advantage of the hotel’s jacuzzi tub before we head to school.

I sure have had a lot of sitting on decks in pretty places lately.

I sure have had a lot of sitting on decks in pretty places lately.